New's Analysis and Commentary   |  Management Principles In Marriage

Management Principles In Marriage

(I’ll restrict the discussion to that blessed/infamous relationship known as Marriage, but it’s applicable at work or church or in the club, political party, etc.)

“Anything with more than one head is a monster.”  — Dave Ramsey

Commentary:  When it has not yet been worked out who is going to be the head of the family, one can expect conflict.  This will continue until one side gives in.  In some families, that never happens.  A family where the husband is not the head is a family in disobedience to God’s order of things.  But even so, if the husband can accept being in the submissive position, it can work out harmoniously.

When one is in a consentual relationship, there are invevitably compromises to be made.  Smooth relationships are usually the result of compromises which become a working norm.  (I agree to not throw my dirty socks on the floor, she agrees to not scream at me.)  (She agrees to cook what I like, I agree to not beat her to a pulp.) :^) Etc.  Oftimes it’s just a matter of respecting one another’s domains.

A mixed marriage (from different cultures) compounds any difficulty.  I can never counsel that rich marry poor, that educated marry ignorant, that black marry white, etc.  And yet, with God’s help, any of those can work, against all odds.  Particularly if the woman is from a culture where her submission to the husband is expected.  To marry a woman out of a culture where women laugh at the concept of submission is ask for a life of hell on earth.

When the wife works outside the home, a plethora of problems arise, particularly if she has dominion and authority at work, then returns home where she is expected to be submissive.  Don’t count on that happening. Combine that with the occasional situation where she earns more than he does, and you have a formula designed for conflict until she wins.

I believe it is impossible for a woman to love a man whom she can dominate.  She can like him (as long as he is submissive), but the greater temptation is for her to become tyrannical, increasing her power and her fury more and more.  This is simply Lord Acton’s dictum at work, that “Power tends to corruption, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

The usual argument is that the family needs her income.  (If he is laid up in bed, then necessity calls.  Sometimes, however, the argument is that she is not “domestic”, or that she is good at it, and other unbiblical arguments.)  There are lots of ways a woman can live the Proverbs 31 model without becoming a dominatrix.

The ONLY solution to this objection is to reduce one’s cost of living. “Better to live on a rooftop than in a house with a nagging woman.”  Why risk breaking the family up over who will dominate?  He who borrows money is a slave to the lender, and while they say that money causes more breakups than anything else, I believe that the root of this is the selfish desire to have more than we can afford.  If you take out a mortgage, buy two cars on credit, then max out your credit cards, then you may count on a life of slavery, and that’s not conducive to happiness.

When either the husband or the wife grovels, it’s no longer a marriage, it’s a unique form of slavery, every bit as cruel as the slavery of the 19th Century, just less visible.  Spousal abuse (physical or mental) can come from husband or wife.  When the man does it, it usually results in a battered wife.  When the wife does it, it results in a man destroyed inside, mentally and spiritually.  Women are far more effective as destroyers than men will ever understand.

And then, if it is the man who has groveled, it is not likely that he will ever be able to recover his position — at least not without a full-blown knock-down drag-out, and these days, that’s where the State is stacked against marriage in favor of feminist dominion.

When the marriage is not salvageable (to human eyes), then each side has to decide whether they will remain together for the sake of the children, or whether it’s a price they cannot pay.

One thing is certain, groveling is not to be confused with patience or long-suffering.  We all suffer long, in marriage, both sides, because we love one another.  We make concessions and we rub off the rough edges, until (ideally) we have a smooth working relatinship.  Indeed, we can even enjoy telling ourselves, “That’s part of his/her charm,”, or we can even see picking up dirty socks as a form of ministry (which it is).  As far as I’m concerned, getting out of bed and driving to work every day is a cross the breadwinner carries, as ministry, and being able to provide for his family.  When the wife becomes an equal or even superior breadwinner, then it’s not ministry, it tends to become competition, hence she feels that she is somehow superior, and therein lies much conflict.

How does one who has voluntarily become a slave, change and then act to no longer be a slave? You may count on it that the slavemaster/mistress is not going to voluntarily relinquish any power.

The options include:

1.  Running away (take the Underground Railroad) – abandon the relationship, along with those things one treasures, namely, the children.
2.  Separation and negotiation for a new working relationship.  There will be threats by the dominating party.  And it’s possible that those threats will be carried out.  You have to count the cost.  But the greater likelihood is that the threats are empty, if you refuse to capitulate.
3.  Giving up, submitting, and learning to accept your role in life.
4.  Stay in there, tormented, fighting, and destroy the family and/or yourself.

Now, in all of this, the principles are valid to the World or to Christians, but the Christian has allies and tools/weapons the World does not have, namely the Bible, the Holy Spirit, salvation, etc.

A man cannot negotiate from a position of weakness.  He may need time to regain his physical and mental and spiritual strength before going back into battle, and then — if he is a Christian — he must operate within Biblical princples, and to act without any compromise on those principles. If we do not operate on Biblical principles, we may count on it that sooner or later, God will break our legs to get our attention. (Figuratively, or in some cases, literally.)

If the woman then decides she will not budge an inch, will not compromise on who is the head of the house, then we are down to the question of visitation rights, and waiting on God to break her legs.

One must count the cost, at each intersection of life.  “Do I run this red light?”  “Do I pass or not pass?”  “Do I throw all caution to the wind, and enjoy speeding, at night, on a curve, passing in a no-passing zone, on an icy road?”

We have to live with our mistakes.  Sadly, others have to live with our mistakes.  Sometimes, one has to cut off one’s foot in order to survive. In the end, one must not be blackmailed, and separation from children is the lesser of the evils as compared to being turning into a capon in their presence.  God can preserve them, and in time, if they will make the right decisions, will bless them in spite of anything that we do.

E.O.S.

© Daniel D. New, Permission to copy, with credits, is hereby granted.-

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